State of Affairs

It's 9:15 and all I feel like doing is falling into bed and sleeping, but I still have one more feeding to go at 10:00 so I have to stay up for that. I thought I'd post on my little blog while I'm waiting. Little E. is 10 weeks old today, as of 45 minutes ago. It feels like it's been so much longer than that, but as Monty pointed out, that's nearly 20% of a year. Wow, that sounds like a lot!

We're currently trying to get a more regular sleeping schedule going. Actually the baby sleeps really well at night, and has since he was 6 or 7 weeks old. Most nights he is sleeping from 8pm to 7(-ish)am, with me waking him up once at 10pm for a late feeding. He usually goes right back to sleep after that. So nighttime is really great, most of the time. However, he is not a good daytime napper, which we need to work on because he gets really tired and fussy but has a hard time going down. We do all the usual tricks: swaddling, white noise, dark room, nursing, pacifier, etc., but while he will usually go to sleep, he won't stay asleep more than 20-30 minutes. That's not long enough for him to get good rest. I've read Baby Wise and The No Cry Sleep Solution, two books that are pretty much on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other. The no-cry book is a lot closer to my parenting style, and is pretty much how we were already doing things. I must say, however, that I did find helpful suggestions in both books, and there were also things in both that aren't for me. 

The no-cry book is very supportive (encouraging?) of co-sleeping. That's something I never thought I'd do, but we did for several weeks in the beginning. It made nighttime nursing much easier, and was peace of mind for us. We had a sleeper in the middle so it wouldn't have been possible to roll onto the baby or anything like that. I felt like I slept better because I could hear him breathing and look right at him and see that he was okay. At about 7 weeks we moved him into the bassinet by the bed, and about a week or so ago, he finally graduated to his crib. We eventually moved him because he was waking us up by stirring in his sleep, and we were doing the same to him. I think we're all sleeping better now.

Baby Wise is much more strict about scheduling and letting the baby cry. I have found that I may have been rushing in too soon sometimes when he'd fuss after I put him down. Trying out a suggestion from the book, I tried to give it a little longer and see if he'd settle, and it really has worked. I only do that when he is fussing mildly. After a few minutes, I'll go back in and try to soothe him and give him the pacifier. Also, if he is really crying, I go get him. I don't have the nerve to let him scream. It makes me too sad.

The hardest part of having a baby right now is keeping up my energy. I have to be *ON* all day from the time I wake up until I put him to bed. Holding, soothing, entertaining, feeding, changing, bathing, etc., etc., etc.! You don't get a chance to just sit down for a minute, especially when he doesn't nap very well. And at night I just collapse, then wake up and do it all again. It is blindingly perpetual. I can imagine it only gets more intense with a toddler since they are walking/crawling and you have to keep them safe and keep them from getting into everything. From where I stand now, it boggles my mind that people are able to keep up with more than one! Still, it is much more enjoyable than in the beginning, because now he is smiling at us a lot, and babbling, and really interacting with us. That is the wonderful part of it, and it makes this crazy lifestyle seem more manageable.

Food for Thought

Three thought-provoking articles on (you guessed it) breastfeeding, and its implications for the modern woman:

The Case Against Breastfeeding

The Backlash to Breast is Best

Baby Food

The second article was written by Jennifer Block, the author of the book Pushed, a fascinating book about modern maternity healthcare that I read while I was pregnant. The last article focuses on the political and social aspects of the breast pump.

In all my reading about breastfeeding, it has only been recently that I realized how politically-charged the issue really is. There is a lot more to it than a good latch (trust me).

What I would do differently

Not trying to turn this into an all-about-baby blog, but frankly, that's all I really have to talk about right now. Haven't picked up the knitting needles since before Little E. was born. So....

Still breastfeeding, and am finally *almost* healed. Still sore, though, but that I can deal with. I wish I had known in the beginning what I know now. Well, maybe. If I had known how long it would take me to heal, I might have had a mental breakdown during the first month. Seriously. But I wish I had done some things differently. For one thing, I would give serious thought to 'conditioning' my nipples before the birth to get them a little toughened up beforehand. It's a practice that is no longer recommended by lactation consultants, but hey, things couldn't have gone much worse so I think it may have been worth a shot.

Second, and this one is big, I think the 'moist wound healing' for breastfeeding is complete bull. I used the gel pads from the first day for about a month or more, and they did nothing to speed healing. They did, however, lead to a nasty yeast infection in my breasts which contributed to the pain and prevented me from healing as quickly. I used the Medela and the Ameda, the latter being by far the better product. The Medela pads were sticky. Bad, bad thing for scabby nipples. But I wouldn't use any type of product like this in the future. I think the recommendation to expose breasts to air is definitely the better choice and actually did seem to help. Lansinoh... eh. Don't think it helped that much, and may have also contributed to the yeast. Any kind of moist environment can encourage its growth. Didn't provide much relief, so I can't say much about it.

Then there are the nipple shields. I really have mixed feelings about these. They aren't recommended because they can supposedly cause supply issues, but I don't think that's really true. Never actually heard of someone having this problem with the thin silicone shields. In the beginning, when I used them the first week, they seemed to provide instant relief. But eventually, I think they caused more harm than good. Lots of people have great experiences with them, but for me, it became more comfortable to nurse without them than with them. In fact, the time that I bled the most heavily was a time I was using the shield. So I would say they may be a short-term help, but not a solution for the long haul.

If I hadn't used the gel pads for so long, I think I might have healed faster. But I have no idea how I could have prevented the initial damage that caused all of the other problems. Supposedly the latch and positioning were fine, which according to the breastfeeding gurus means it shouldn't hurt. Well, guess again. All in all, I would say it was worse than labor and delivery because it lasted for so long. It was so demoralizing to feel like I wasn't healing, but was, in fact, getting worse every day. After you give birth to your baby, you want to get on the road to recovery asap! And the pain was much worse than the pain of my stitches. I am happy to report, though, that I am very close to being totally healed and one step closer to pain-free nursing. If I were someone else listening to my story, I would ask why on earth a person would keep doing that to their body, and why they didn't just quit. I don't know. Obviously it was more important to me than I realized, but also, I think I'm perhaps too determined for my own good. I kept saying to myself, "This will not break me." But it did, actually. It broke me down many times. But I'm happy to be on the other side of it.

By the way, if someone had told me a few years ago that I would be blogging online about my nipples, I would have been horrified.

Caught on Camera

Smiling!!!

On a lighter note

Here are some sweet photos of baby E:

baby & daddy

happy baby

sleeping in sling

yawn

We're having some great stormy weather here today. The rain has really been coming down, and every now and then the sun peeks out too... reminds me of the saying "The devil's beating his wife." I've tried to look up where that phrase comes from and can't find much of anything. Apparently it's a saying that is common in the deep south, and having something to do with the devil's wife's (Lilith?) tears being represented by the rain. Anyway, it's so odd and I'd really like to know how it originated.

Regarding the previous post: I'm hanging in there. Life goes on. I keep thinking, "Next week I'll be better. Things will get better."

The Truth

Four weeks out. It is difficult handling a newborn, but of course everyone knows that. I am posting because I have the intense urge to speak my mind about something I've had incredible difficulty with: breastfeeding. He is doing well, growing like a weed, and loves mama's milk. I, on the other hand, am still in fairly constant pain. The lie perpetuated upon expecting women that 'breastfeeding doesn't hurt if you're doing it right' has become infuriating to me. I was so smug, thinking that all my friends with the problems and pain associated with breastfeeding just weren't as prepared as I would be, and weren't doing it properly and needed to perfect their technique. Now I know the truth about breastfeeding: for a great many people, it hurts like hell. For a long time. I've been evaluated by two different lactation consultants who say that I'm doing everything right, so I know that is not the problem. I did labor and delivery with no medication, so it's not that I'm just soft. It simply is very painful and unrelenting.

Let me also say, that I believe in breastfeeding a great deal. I feel strongly that it is a nutritionally fabulous food for babies, and is superior to formula - so much so that I am continuing with the breastfeeding despite the problems. However, women should know the absolute truth before going into this. There is no reason they should feel that if it is very difficult, it must be through some fault of their own. It is wrong and malicious to tell people that. I hope there are people out there who had easy, great breastfeeding experiences. That's wonderful for them. I don't know any of those people, and I think it's about time that people speak plainly about the matter. For an informative and realistic take on the subject, you can read more here.

Hopefully next post I'll be in a better mood and have time to post some cute baby photos.

Everett

He has finally arrived! Got here Sunday night after a fast and furious labor. Looks remarkably like his daddy, but maybe there's a tiny bit of me in there too. He has stolen our hearts, and we are all beside ourselves.

How are you spending your Friday night?

I am knitting and watching GoodFellas. I know, trés exciting, no? My due date was this past Wednesday, and it came and went very quietly, which I'm fine with. For some reason, I feel exceptionally patient about this, though I am a notoriously impatient person. It's coming soon, so it's just a matter of time now. I believe my family is taking bets on when the big day will be. My original, arbitrary guess was April 5th, and that's still over a week away.

So, back to the knitting. I am working on (drumroll, please) an actual, bona fide original design. Been working on it for months, intermittently. I am also knitting something just 'cause, which is my cashmere version of this little scarffy, neck-wrap thing by Jane Richmond (free pattern on Ravelry):

The cashmere I'm using is kind of an oatmeal color and was purchased (online) from a little mill in Italy that sold leftovers and some overstocked name-brand stuff, but I think they've gone out of business now. Anyhow, the yarn is mediocre quality, but will be fine for something like this. It's very soft and fuzzy but spun pretty poorly.

I've also splurged on some yarn on close-out from a local yarn shop that's going out of business. I got some more Euroflax, though I've never used the first batch I purchased a while ago. I'm really intrigued by the cool, rough linen yarn but have no idea what to do with it. Any ideas?

On one final note, I must say I'm a little star-struck that apparently Clara Parkes herself commented on my last post. I've been reading Knitter's Review for years now, and I think it is a fabulous resource. Her book is also really informative and has some nice patterns. Anyhow, thank you for visiting my humble little corner in cyber-space.